Before Letting Go

Akpan moved his lips slow, licking to make them wet again. He glimpsed the other guys in the room without turning his head; no one was looking at him; Akpan was relieved.

His spoon was at the ready in his pocket; it had been in his pocket all day, travelling with him to and fro, from C-C junction, Itu road and down Ikpa road. Hunger was a wild animal twisting in his gut; Akpan was nearly seeing tears. He wondered if these other boys had come with their spoons too. He eyed them suspiciously. He never trusted Offor and his wide ply-mouth. The boy was joking too much, and laughing too loud. Akpan wondered how these other boys were all there. Akpan was the only one Fortune had informed about the beans he was cooking.

“Guy, you fit find me something? I never chop since morning and poppy no gree send anything.” Akpan had typed in tears earlier that rainy morning.

“Don’t worry. I’m cooking beans now but if you start coming, you fit burst my house when e don ready.” Fortune replied and Akpan had never seen anything more beautiful.

Akpan also knew Fortune had few utensils in his self-contained room; the last time Akpan visited, they had to share the same spoon. So, Akpan pocketed his spoon, and looked for what to wear. He only had three shoes. His black dress shoes for school. The Balenciaga kicks he had bought with his feeding money – just to attend Pamela’s birthday bash. And then, his bathroom slippers. Akpan closed his eyes, bitter about the obvious option. He put on his Balenciaga shoes and marveled at himself in the mirror. The dressing was never complete without his Gucci belt, so he put that on as well; slipped on a nice shirt; combed his hair and dusted his face with baby powder. Fine Boy. But the grumbling in his stomach would not let him smile. He headed out the door.

Now, he was at Fortune’s place, and the aroma had set fire to the animal in his gut. Akpan could think of nothing else but the clanking of metal utensils coming from the small kitchen. Akpan was surprised to open fortune’s door and find four people already seated on the bed. All guys; his colleagues. They had looked at him and smiled. Akpan had grimaced.

“How far na? You too bin wan visit Fortune?” Offor chuckled, with a smile that narrowed his eyes.

“See as you tush, wey you dey go?” Andikan looked him over.

“I just bin dey pass. I say make I see fortune. What are you guys doing here?”

“Na Fortune we wan see too na” Offor laughed.

“You don do that man’s assignment? Mr. Udoh?” Andikan asked.

“He gave assignment?”

“Yes na. But I’ve not done it either, last night I bin dey busy.” Andikan winked. “Dorcas was keeping me busy.” He grinned. Akpan knew what he meant, as well as Uforo and Ini. But Offor as usual, was always slow.

“How? You dey chat with Dorcas all night? Na so the love hook you?”

“C’mon sharrap this boy. As if you don’t understand.” Uforo retorted.

“Leave am, howfar your maps with Idara?” Ini nudged Uforo. Uforo bit and pulled on his lower lip like a deranged person.

“I don press breast sha. We’re well on our way.”

The boys hollered and Uforo began to recount his escapades with few girls on campus. Next was Offor. Offor was yapping about his ex-girlfriend that was giving him green light again. Akpan was horrified, the tale-telling was turn by turn, and he was next after Offor. He was the finest boy of the clique, wearing the trendiest things but not having a single female’s name to his belt.

“Akpan how far na?” Uforo kicked his feet. Akpan snapped back to reality. “Enlighten us. I see how girls eye you in class. Abi you no dey eye them back.”

Akpan feigned a tight smile but he was squirming on the inside. His brain racked with speed, searching for an easy victim he could lie about and they would believe.

“Leave A.k oh! Im dey follow that Ugly church girl. That one that’s always using her skirt to sweep floor.”

“You’re mad! Na who dey follow Edima. Me?” Akpan barked but his voice was small, and wounded. “I no fit follow that kyn person. Abeg put respect on my name oh” Akpan beat his chest.

“Hah? We think say the two of you tight na. Abi una no dey date.”

“Screw you man, how can you say that kyn nonsense. That girl be my spec? She resemble housemaid dem dey send school. How I fit date am? I just dey help her life. You know I don’t discriminate.”

“Hian. I’m confused oh, because I heard the rumor that you love that girl.” Uforo folded his arms. “We have to table this matter to the elders.”

“Even me nau. I heard something about you telling her how you feel…”

“GUY STOP IT. It’s not that I don’t love her. I love everyone. I’m cool A.k for the girls, you know what I’m saying. Like, I can’t say I don’t love her but I can’t really say I love her either. You know the kind of love I’m talking about. Brethrenly love, but I no be love bird. I don’t know if you get me, my guy. Like, she’s a great person. She’s not like most of these girls. She’s the real kind. You know. The kind you want to wife. You know? She makes you think about the future, she makes you do more and put your head down in this game of life but I mean…” Akpan felt his thoughts drifting away and her face forming in the back of his mind. But then, Offor cleared his throat and Akpan snatched himself back.

“Look at me” Akpan raised his chucks up, suave in his Balenciaga kicks and showing off his Louis Vuitton belt. “Do I look like that’s what I need right now. I mean, my guy.” Akpan leaned in and whispered, “last night, I’m onto that Pamela babe.” Akpan closed his hands and pretended to sum every memory he could, the sizes of her ass, the smoothness of her skin. “My guy, make I no lie. No be wifey I dey find now. I barely don start school! How far na? That Pamela babe change my life. I won’t lie for you.” Akpan sighed.

A small rap at the door snatched the conversation from the room. They all eyed the door but Offor was the one to answer it. He poked his head out once, brought it back in and laughed so loud, it bounced off the walls.

“Akpan, you get visitor oh! I don’t even understand, abi she dey follow you for back?”

“She”. Fear clawed up his veins when Akpan heard that word. Akpan rose, his heart in his mouth and went to the door. He pushed it open by a crack and saw Edima’s stupid smile. The Ugly church girl with her usual long flay skirt. Akpan was horrified.

“Eh-hehn?” Akpan sighed at her.

“Akpan, I saw when you entered this compound. I actually live opposite here. I thought I’d come say Hi. Plus, I was about bringing you something.” She gestured at something she was holding in her hand. A food flask. Akpan stared at it, knowing he could snatch the container and walk home, and everything would be alright in the world. But from the corner of his sight, he could see his guys peeking through the curtains.

“What the hell is wrong with you! Are you following me around?!” Akpan spat. Her smile wiped away and replacing it were confused lines.

She moved to hand over the flask, “I’m sorry, I just thought—”

“I am not interested!”  He slapped at her hand and the flask smacked against a fence before spilling jollof rice to the floor. The sweet smell diffused the atmosphere. Akpan stared down at large fried goatmeats on the wet ground. He wanted to sink to his knees. His stomach was revolting but his friends were still watching. Edima looked at the mess once, then at Akpan, her eyes wide with disbelief. A loud burst of laughter came from the windows. It was mostly from Offor.

“Just get out of here, I will clean it. I said I don’t want!” Akpan meant to be bold, but his voice had lost the resolve. He watched her, shoulders hung, pick up her flask and hurry away.

“My guy how far? You mad o! See better Jollof rice.” It was Fortune, staring out through the kitchen window.

******

One year and Two Semesters Earlier.

Akpan saw the black gates first and his insides jumped for joy. Freedom. From the invisible cage he had been trapped in, all his life. He read the bold iron letters engraved into the ornate gate, the university’s name. A bold place teeming with unfamiliar faces, fantastic statues and tall old buildings. His father was driving. Akpan was sitting next to him with his school bag clutched to himself.  They paused at the gate entrance for a green card before being waved through.

The driveway was a boulevard flanked by pine trees. Students milled the area as far as Akpan could see. Loners. Groups. Couples. Chattering and laughter rented the atmosphere.

“Please, where can I find M2?” His father parked briefly to ask someone. The boy looked at them in a strange light. “You see that bend up ahead? Just next to this story building with that woman statue in front? Ehehen, from immediately after that building, take your left, go down smmmmaaaaall, you will see another kind of red and yellow story building down. Ehehn, just ask around that area. You understand abi?”

Akpan’s father only stared, mouth slightly open.

“Yes,” Akpan nodded for his father, “Daddy, let’s take that bend.” Akpan said, mapping out the rude from what he could remember. Already, he could see the “woman statue” the boy had talked about. She was blindfolded, holding out both arms, a scale in one, a sword in the other, clad in an apparel. Akpan stared, amused. The students loitering around this building wore black suits and ties, white cooperate shirts, black skirts and cover shoes under the scorching sun. A miserable student sat at the foot of this statue with a stack of folders, yanking at the noose of his tie, sweating profusely.

His father made the left turn after the building and they cruised down a sand stony sand path across a sit out. Eyes watched them from everywhere, following them. Akpan felt naked, a fish out on land. There were too many people he did not know in contrast to how he had lived his life until that point.

“Please, where is M2 hostel?” His father stopped to ask again.

“That building over there.” They pointed at a building partly painted and covered in brown tiles. Feverish vibrations travelled down to Akpan’s tones. He poked his head out the window and grinned at his freedom. It wasn’t far off. As soon as his father parked the car, Akpan was the first one out. He stood akimbo like mungo park alighting the row boat. Fortune. That was all there was, in this new world.

“Akpan! Quick, remove your things!” His father snapped, his voice split the atmosphere and a few more heads turned in their direction. Akpan felt sharp behind the ears. He glimpsed the people around him and timidly opened the car’s back door. His things were stuffed into a market sack bag and an old travelling bag. He slung the travelling bag over one shoulder and took his sack bag in a firm grip. He looked towards the hostel’s entrance. The crowd there had thickened, everyone was looking at him.

“Do you remember your room number?” His father said, gruff, already tired of the sun.

“The porter.” Akpan fumbled and produced a small white slip of paper. “said Room thirteen.” Akpan mumbled trying to recall how he had navigated countless rooms a week before, trying to find his room upon an old man’s directions.

“I know it.” Someone cut in. A guy, who looked not much older than him. “Good afternoon, Sir.” He bowed at Akpan’s father.

“Good afternoon. Can you help this boy find his room please?”

“Yes, Sir. Room thirteens not hard to find na.” The boy grabbed the sack bag straight out of Akpan’s hand. It was a strange intrusion, Akpan gasped.

“Thank you, he was supposed to resume last week. Here,” His father reached into his breast pocket. “What is your name?”

“Andikan, Sir.” The guy gave a small bow again. Akpan frowned at him and then at his father. “Year two, Pharmacy.”

“Ah, Pharmacy! I wanted this boy to do that course. But unfortunately, he does not have sense. Do you know? He managed this admission after failing Jamb five times. Mitcheww.” His father shook his head.  It was actually four times but Akpan was tired of correcting him. Akpan stood there feeling violated, but he smiled a stupid tight little smile that made his eyes water.

“Don’t worry, Sir. I’m also in that room. I’ll make him sit up.” Andikan’s eyes arrowed the movement of his father’s hands. Excitement danced in his eyes.

“Here, take this.” Akpan’s father pulled a 1000 Naira note and handed it to Andikan. It shocked Akpan. He watched the note switch hands and get pocketed into a scruffy short. He stared at Andikan. He then looked to his father, but the man was already getting back into his car – as far as he was concerned, he had finished his fatherly roles – the man had only sent ten thousand to Akpan’s account for his monthly feeding.

“Akpan stay well. If you like, play!” His father wrung a finger at him, just once and ignited the engine. Akpan watched, his father drive off, back the way he came.

“How far you? Are you not coming?” Andikan laughed.

Akpan felt an itch at the nape of his neck but he forced a smile and moved to follow.

“Watch out!” Someone screamed, before Akpan stepped into something squishy, wet and sickly warm. The skin crawled up his legs as he grimaced down at his leg trapped in a mound of dung. The smell hit him instantly.

“Argggghhh!” Akpan jumped back on one leg. Laughter broke out around him. Even the boys watching from the windows upstairs were laughing. Akpan rubbed his sandals into the dirt, trying to get as much of the smear off.

“Sorry about that. There’s usually cow shit every where on this campus.” The girl said. Akpan looked up and noticed her for the first time. Her face struck a cord in the back of his mind. It was familiar. The first familiar face he had seen. Though she was still as thin as he remembered.

“Edima?” He smiled.

“Akpan!” A smile raised her cheeks, making her pointy ears more obvious. “You’re here? Wow! What level?”

“Hundred level. Just managed to scrounge up Law.” His cheeks burned, and he restrained himself to tell her it was after four Jamb trials. “What about you?” He asked looking her over. Edima…had never had a sense for fashion. Her sandals looked like they had a mouth of their own but Akpan let his eyes flit about so they would not dwell on them. However, the image was seared into the back of his mind.

He remembered her from primary school…she had been smaller and less attractive. Now, she looked better – Akpan smiled as she cracked a joke he did not understand. At least now her eyes had grown back into her skull. They were now almond shaped and not beady as he remembered it from Junior Secondary level One.  Now, her lips matched the width of her face. Her lips had to be her best highlight. Full and primed, against her now oval face. Despite her still jutting ears, she could have passed for a Wakanda warrior.

******

Edima could feel the nerves in the back of her head, tingling, all the way down to her spine. Akpan. The Akpan. Back then. Her gut flushed. He was still tall, and wiry, with clear brown eyes that soul searched down at everyone else. Edima felt silly. She hoped she wasn’t smiling so wide. She hoped she did not look a mess; she was wearing a long-pleated skirt and \sandals; her hair was tossed back in a rough bun and her flowery blouse was bogus. Edima was ashamed to picture her own image before him. Just keep smiling. Maybe he’ll fall for your dashing smile.

Silence, for only a few seconds but it felt like a mile stretched into the sahara desert. She needed to ask him something.

“You’re going to be staying in the hostel?” Edima noticed his travelling bag.

“Yeah. I even have to go right now. I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll catch you later?” Akpan flashed a smile.

“Okay, that’s—”

“Catch you soon!” He was running off after the guy that had just stood to the side, watching them. Edima waved bye, and walked away, with a million needles scintillating down her back…

******

“Your girlfriend?” Andikan asked as Akpan rejoined him.

“God forbid!” Akpan gasped and immediately felt bad about his reaction. “She went to the same secondary school with me. That’s all.” His mind skipped back to those times; why had he been so quick to rebuke any sort of tie to her. The image of her now and what she was then, was a blinding contrast. Not necessarily beauty and the beast, but maybe Beauty’s handmaiden now and Quasimodo then.

“Guy, relax na. She no ugly na.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just saying she’s not mine,” Akpan chuckled.

Did you enjoy Before Letting Go?

I hope you did because I enjoyed writing it! You can leave me a comment below. To follow up this story, click Before Letting Go, Episode 2

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